On the 729th Day…

On the 729th day that Ian has Type 1 Diabetes, I have a lot of mixed feelings.
Tomorrow it will be 730 days….

That’s two years.
Only two years?
Two years already?

As January 4th – his “2 Year Dia-versary” – approached, I kept having this strange feeling….almost like a sense of relief or something. I almost felt “excited” for the day, like you’d feel for Christmas.   I don’t know why. It’s not like on the 2 year anniversary, we’d be “halfway done” or “almost there” or “cured.”  It’s not like we beat some milestone, or even met a goal. His A1C sucks.

Still, I felt relief.

But I also felt some sadness and some anger and some fear and some pain….

It all just came rushing back to me. The day, the day that followed, and the days after that….

And I realized that every year, every January 3rd, I will mourn the loss of that particular life we had. I think I’m entitled to that; I think it’s to be expected.

But every January 4th, I will let out a sigh of relief.  I will celebrate the life we are living now, another year of accomplishments and dreams, of growing up and finding our way.

Trust and Friendship

Last night MJ had her first full-blown sleep-over.  I haven’t ever said NO to a sleep-over. She just hasn’t asked.

It is sort of like when she was a toddler, and we used to take nightly walks through the park. We never got her out of her stroller to swing or play on the playground, because we knew once we started, a walk through the park would never be so simple.   (That all ended around the age of 2.)

So, when I suggested a sleep-over for her upcoming 14th birthday, her eyes lit up and she invited 4 friends.  Three were going to spend the night; the fourth girl was only going to stay until 10:30 or so. She had never spent the night at someone’s house. She has T1D.

She is my Ian.

Ian has never been a sleep-over candidate – even prior to his diagnosis.  He doesn’t do well with things like that. He even has a hard time sleeping at his grandparents’.

And now, with T1D, he’s asked a few times, but we’ve always found alternatives to sleeping over. He has whined a few times, “I’ll never be able to prove I can stay all night if you don’t give me a chance!”

True.

But I also know Ian. The anxiety of the change in routine would be enough to literally make him sick and he’d  be home anyway.

Anyway, MJ’s friend was the last to arrive, but the girls welcomed her and were clearly glad she decided to come – at least for a little while.

A few hours in, MJ comes down and said, “Annie wants to spend the night!”

She was followed by a trail of girls…one I hardly recognized. They had given Annie a makeover; they straightened her corkscrew curls and put a flower in her hair.

Annie’s mom brought over her sleeping bag, pillow, and overnight bag. And her Lantus.

I could tell her mom was apprehensive and Annie was maybe a little nervous.  But of all the places in the world, this was a good place to start the overnight adventure.

I smiled as I thought of one of my favorite lines from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, when the creepy garage attendant takes the Ferrari from Ferris and Cameron: “You guys got nothing to worry about, I’m a professional.”

I picture Annie’s mom saying, “A professional what?

True, Annie’s been a T1D for a year or so longer than Ian. But I get it and I could tell her mom did too.

I kindly said, “Are you ok with this? She’s gonna be ok. I can get up at 2:00 and check her. MJ knows what to do. And I have juice boxes!”

She smiled, hugged Annie goodbye, and walked away.

I don’t think I could have done that so easily.

But, what a milestone.

My heart melted when MJ carefully measured out Annie’s brownie and ice cream, just like she’d do with Ian’s.

And then again, when the girls told me that they are all going to do the Diabetes Walk next fall. They want to form a team for Annie and Ian.

I believe they will make this happen.

The only glitch in this experience…planning a sleep-over on the night we change the clocks and lose an hour of much-needed sleep. The girls watched the time miraculously change from 1:59 to 3:00 on their phones.

I have to trust that it was awesome, because I got more sleep than anyone! I was sound asleep by 11:00!

Exciting News!

Ian’s getting a pump!! He’s chosen the OmniPod and it should be here today or tomorrow.  Hopefully our 4-hour training can be scheduled very soon and we can officially be on Team OmniPod!

My “Happy New Year” Post

I have been wanting to blog all day. Everyone is posting their New Year’s post and it feels almost wrong to not be posting one as well. I mean, I have so much I could write about and I’ve been committed to blogging for almost two years. How can I not come up with something????

Yesterday I started a post to say good-bye to 2013. I never got past the first few lines. The words just never came. How do you say good-bye to the year that changed your life?

It’s not that I was having trouble parting with 2013.  I really just wanted it to quietly slip out the back door. As my dad always says, “It’s been real. It’s been fun. But it hasn’t been real fun.”   2013 didn’t deserve a big send-off.

And not to be all “Diabetes is Our World”…but a small part of me really feels like the New Year officially starts January 4th when we celebrate Ian’s 1st Diaversery.  I think it will maybe always be that way.

If this sounds sad or depressing, it’s not. Trust that I write this post with peace in my heart.

I don’t need a flip of the calendar to start me on the path to being a better person.

I don’t need a holiday to remind me to forgive and forget.

I don’t need to point out all the things that I don’t like about myself and declare half a dozen changes I want to make in the next 365 days.

If I’ve learned anything in 2013, I’ve learned that despite the greatest efforts, despite being the best mom you think you can possibly be, despite working harder than you’ve ever worked, despite loving someone with your whole heart, despite planning your day, week, month, year, and life….things happen.

Good things. Bad things. Unexpected things. Things you didn’t plan for, ask for, wish for, dream of…..

Things happen.

Some bad things suck the life out of you.

And, oddly enough, some bad things somehow breathe new life into you.

I hope that all of you…my friends, my family, my followers….have the best year you’ve ever had, until 2014 throws a little something at you…because, well, you know it will.

But when it does, I truly hope that you will use that little something to make an even better life for yourself.

And now let us believe in a long year that is given to us, new, untouched, full of things that have never been. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Happy New Year!