Thought #46: I’m only human.

The other night I messed up.

Big time.

I gave Ian 4.5 units of Humalog before bed instead of 4.5 units of Lantus.

I gave him 4.5 units of a fast-acting insulin meant to be given with carbs.  With his current ratio, he would have needed to eaten 180g of carbohydrates before bed.

He only had a 15g snack

How did I know I made this mistake?

At 11:30 he came downstairs and woke me and said, “We need to test NOW.”

He was 50.

Thank God he woke up and realized it.

A juice box and 15 minutes later…he’s 90 and I’m thinking, “What did I do wrong??? Why in the world did he drop from a high 253 to 90 in less than three hours??”

And then I had a sinking feeling. A moment of panic.

I gave him the wrong meds. 

I remembered standing at the dining room table talking to the kids and drawing up his meds, like always. I thought I gave him Lantus out of the slightly taller vial of clear medicine.

And I just had this horrible feeling that I did this to him.

He ate some peanut butter crackers and tucked him into my bed.

And I called the nurse. And she said that this happens. It happens a lot. It was an honest mistake and it was very likely that this is what happened. No other explanation made sense.

We would not know until morning. If his blood sugar started to rise over the course of the night, we would know there was no long-lasting insulin in his system.

By 5:30 am he was 250+.

As his mother it is my responsibility to keep him alive by giving him medicine that his body cannot produce.

Talk about guilt.

The nurse developed a plan to deal with this mistake for the next 24 hours. It involved extra correction and hourly blood sugar and ketone tests. It made for one of the longest nights of my life. I mean, really, how could I sleep at this point?

Talk about exhausted.

We both went to school the next day but we were back home in comfy clothes by 10:00.  As expected, his blood sugar continued to climb and when he hit 350 at 9:30, I knew it was just easier on everyone to be at home.

We spent the day playing Sorry Sliders and Wii, doing puzzles, and watching multiple episodes of Full House.

By afternoon snack, he was doing better and in the 100s.  We went to the orthodontist as scheduled and to a meeting I had at work.

And then, out of guilt and pure exhaustion, when he asked to go to Applebee’s for dinner, I said “Yes.”

Thought #44: There is something I just don’t understand.

The past few days I’ve had something on my mind. There is just something I don’t understand. Something I can’t wrap my brain around.

Not that diabetes makes sense. I’m definitely figuring that out. I know that heredity and environment and many other factors can’t be ruled out or proven right now. There is no reasonable explanation.

Still, I am having a hard time understanding WHEN and WHY Ian got diabetes.

This thought came to me when I was sitting at my desk and I looked up at a picture from Halloween 2004.  Ian was one year old. He was Bob the Builder and Marisa was a Disney princess. It’s a sepia-toned candid pic and his curly brown hair was blowing in the wind.

I can’t believe, don’t want to believe, can’t accept, don’t want to accept….that at that moment, or any moment in the almost 3500 days he didn’t have diabetes…he was still going to get it on January 4, 2013.

This was always going to happen?

I don’t get it.

Was it already part of him?

Was it already his future?

Was it inevitable?

Some will say, and I guess I have to accept, because there is no way of explaining this, that this was part of the plan.

And like all diseases that hit undeserving victims, I just don’t understand.